Very funny job rejection letters from The New Yorker written by Jack Handey.

Dear Sir:

Congratulations! You got the job! That is probably what you were hoping this letter would say. But it doesn’t, because you didn’t.

Sincerely,

Personnel Department

Dear Sir:

A few days ago, you phoned us about the job you applied for with our company, and we told you that you did not get the job. However, we are now writing to inform you that you did not get the job. We wanted to make sure you understood that.

Sincerely,

Personnel Department

Dear Sir:

You recently applied for a position with us, but you did not get it, as we have informed you by phone and by mail. However, we have not heard back from you that you completely understand that you failed to get the job. Please call or write and let us know that you realize that you are not employed by us in any way, and never will be.

Sincerely,

Personnel Department

Dear Sir:

Please be advised that the person we hired instead of you has been promoted to department manager, and he has asked us to inform you that, should a position open up, he would not hire you.

Sincerely,

Personnel Department

Dear Sir:

Would you consider taking a job for less pay than we originally discussed, even though we would never offer you such a job?

Sincerely,

Personnel Department

Dear Sir:

If it is any consolation, we feel that if we had hired you, by now we would have been forced to let you go.

Sincerely,

Personnel Department

Dear Sir:

We are writing to find out what kind of carpeting and curtains you want in your new office. . . . Wait, we made a mistake. You’re the wrong person. Oh, well, we’re going to go ahead and send this letter to you anyway.

Sincerely,

Personnel Department

Dear Sir:

Could you report for work first thing Monday morning, if you had a job? Just curious.

Sincerely,

Personnel Department

Dear Sir:

While updating our file of job applications, yours was folded into a paper airplane and was accidentally sailed out the window. Would you mind filling out the enclosed application and mailing it back to us in the shape of an airplane?

Sincerely,

Personnel Department

Dear Sir:

As you may have read in the newspaper, our company has been crippled by a union strike, and we have had to call in outside, freelance help, for which we are paying many times the normal salary. We just thought you should know that.

Sincerely,

Personnel Department

Dear Sir:

It has come to our attention that an employee in our department has been sending you unauthorized and inappropriate letters. We have told him not only that he is fired but that we are hiring you in his place. He left here in an uproar, swearing that he was “going to find (you) and crush (your) head like a walnut.” (Some of us think he said “like a peanut,” but most think he said “walnut.”) If he shows up at your apartment, please explain to him that we were just kidding; we would never hire you.

Sincerely,

Personnel Department

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The next time you get a rejection letter from a hoped-for employer or publisher, just send them the following:

Dear [name of the person who signed the rejection letter],

Thank you for your letter of [date of the rejection letter]. After careful consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me [employment with your firm/a contract to publish my book].

This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals. Despite [name of the co or agency that sent you this letter]‘s outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting [applicants/manuscripts], I find that your rejection does not meet with my needs at this time.

Therefore, I will initiate [employment/publishing] with your firm immediately following [graduation/job change, etc. -- get creative here]. I look forward to working with you.

Best of luck in rejecting future [candidates/manuscripts].

Sincerely,

[your name]