Sunday 27 November 2005

Women Are Evil

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it’s a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, “So…. you’re a man. That’s interesting. I’m a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but we’re unhurt. This must be a sign from God

that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days”.

Flattered, the man replies, “Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God.”

The woman continues, “And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, “Aren’t you having any?”

The woman replies, “No. I think I’ll just wait for the police….”

MORAL OF THE STORY:

Women are evil. Don’t mess with them.

Saturday 26 November 2005

In Heat

A little girl asked her Mom, “Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?

Mom replies, “No, because she is in heat.”

“What’s that mean?” asked the child.

“Go ask your father. I think he’s in the garage.”

The little girl goes to the garage and says, “Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you.”

Dad said, “Bring Belle over here.”

He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog’s backside with it and said, “Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block.”

The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.

Surprised, Dad asked, “Where’s Belle?”

The little girl said, “She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home.”

Thursday 24 November 2005

Beautiful

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word “beautiful” in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, “My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.”

“Very good, Suzie,” replied the teacher.

She then called on little Michael.

“My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.”

She said, “Excellent, Michael!”

Then the teacher reluctantly called on Tony.

“Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said ‘Beautiful, just fucking beautiful!'”

Monday 21 November 2005

Coolest Christmas Lights Ever!

Normally I’d put something like this in my sideblog, but since it’s one of the coolest things I’ve ever seen I thought it deserved a full entry.

Carson Williams of Mason, Ohio wired up the entire front of his house with lights, and set them to music (transmitted via FM so passers-by could tune in!) – by the Trans-Siberian Orchestra in fact. It took him 3 hours to sequence the lights to the music. It’s gotta be seen to be believed.

Update: Snopes has the full details on this video.

Update: Removed the video from my site since the URL has been passed around way too much and the bandwidth usage was getting crazy.

Sunday 20 November 2005

RIP Eddie Guerrero

1967 – 2005

Eddie… you were one of the greatest performers ever to grace a wrestling ring.

You will be deeply missed.

LIE CHEAT & STEAL FOREVER

Wednesday 16 November 2005

Love, Lust and Marriage

Love: When your eyes meet across a crowded room.

Lust: When your tongues meet across a crowded room.

Marriage: When you try to lose your spouse in a crowded room.

Love: When intercourse is called making love.

Lust: When intercourse is called screwing.

Marriage: When Intercourse is a little town in Pennsylvania.

Love: When you argue over how many kids to have.

Lust: When you argue over who gets the wet spot.

Marriage: When you argue over whose idea it was to have kids.

Love: When you share everything you own.

Lust: When you steal everything they own.

Marriage: When the bank owns everything.

Love: When it doesn’t matter if you don’t climax.

Lust: When the relationship is over if you don’t climax.

Marriage: When…. uh…. what’s a climax.

Love: When your heart flutters every time you see them.

Lust: When your groin twitches every time you see them.

Marriage: When your wallet empties every time you see them.

Love: When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.

Lust: When all the songs on the radio determine how you do it.

Marriage: When you listen to talk radio.

Love: When breaking up is something you try not to think about.

Lust: When staying together is something you try not to think about.

Marriage: When just getting through the day is your only thought.

Love: When you’re only interested in doing things with your partner.

Lust: When you’re only interested in doing things TO your partner.

Marriage: When you’re only interested in your golf score.

Love: When a rainy day means more time to stay inside and talk.

Lust: When a rainy day means more time to stay inside and have sex.

Marriage: When a rainy day means it’s time to clean the basement.

Love: You only leave the house for coffee and doughnuts.

Lust: You only leave the house for condoms and lube.

Marriage: You only leave the house when you’re allowed.

Friday 11 November 2005

Armistice Day

IN FLANDERS FIELDS

In Flanders field the poppies blow

Between the crosses, row on row,

That mark our place; and in the sky

The larks, still bravely singing, fly

Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the Dead. Short days ago

We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,

Loved and were loved, and now we lie

In Flanders fields.

Take up our quarrel with the foe:

To you from failing hands we throw

The torch; be yours to hold it high.

If ye break with us who die

We shall not sleep, though poppies grow

In Flanders fields.

Major John McCrae, May 1915.

Aftermath

Have you forgotten yet?…

For the world’s events have rumbled on since those gagged days,

Like traffic checked while at the crossing of city-ways:

And the haunted gap in your mind has filled with thoughts that flow

Like clouds in the lit heaven of life; and you’re a man reprieved to go,

Taking your peaceful share of Time, with joy to spare.

But the past is just the same–and War’s a bloody game…

Have you forgotten yet?…

Look down, and swear by the slain of the War that you’ll never forget.

Do you remember the dark months you held the sector at Mametz–

The nights you watched and wired and dug and piled sandbags on parapets?

Do you remember the rats; and the stench

Of corpses rotting in front of the front-line trench–

And dawn coming, dirty-white, and chill with a hopeless rain?

Do you ever stop and ask, ‘Is it all going to happen again?’

Do you remember that hour of din before the attack–

And the anger, the blind compassion that seized and shook you then

As you peered at the doomed and haggard faces of your men?

Do you remember the stretcher-cases lurching back

With dying eyes and lolling heads–those ashen-grey

Masks of the lads who once were keen and kind and gay?

Have you forgotten yet?…

Look up, and swear by the green of the spring that you’ll never forget.

Siegfried Sassoon, 1920

There is a 2 minute silence today at 11am. Please wear a poppy and respect the 2 minute silence. 60 years have passed since the end of World War 2, 87 since WWI. Lest we forget.

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