Let’s Ignore Each Other in the Same Room
By Sophie Vershbow
“Want to read quietly next to each other in Riverside Park?” I texted a friend one Sunday afternoon in July. I was exhausted from staying out too late the night before and filled with the dread that clings to those final hours of the weekend — but I didn’t want to be alone. “Meet there at 1?” she wrote back and I packed my backpack, excited to spend another afternoon both alone and together with a friend.
The term parallel play usually refers to young children playing independently alongside one another, but it can also be a valuable way to think about adult relationships. Mildred Parten, a sociologist, first identified the concept in her 1929 dissertation as one of six categories of group play in early childhood. Although not a discrete developmental phase, engaging in parallel play is an important part of how toddlers learn to interact with others, share and become social beings. Think about kids quietly building their own separate towers with blocks or running around the playground without really interacting. Though they’re not engaging with each other, these children are also not playing entirely alone.
For adults, what makes parallel play different than two people ignoring each other in the same room is a secure foundation underpinning their relationship, explained Dr Amir Levine, a psychiatrist and co-author of “Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find – And Keep – Love.”
“Parallel play is one of the hallmarks of secure relationships, but it has to be done right. It’s all about availability. If you know that the other person is available and that, if you need them, they will pay attention to you, then you feel secure.”
3 Ways That ‘Parallel Play’ Benefits Your Love Life
By Mark Travers
It Balances Togetherness And Independence
Parallel play helps both partners grow individually by allowing them to engage in their own activities and interests, all while sharing the same space. It gives each person the freedom to focus on personal growth, whether it’s working on a hobby or simply having some quiet time alone. The mere presence of the other person in the same space fosters a sense of togetherness, comfort and autonomy.
This mindful approach also helps reduce anxiety and insecurity by reinforcing the idea that love thrives in an environment where both partners feel valued as individuals. Parallel play builds emotional security for both partners without fear of losing their individuality, creating a relationship that is empowering.
It Reduces Relationship Burnout
In the hustle and bustle of everyday life, many relationships can start to feel emotionally draining. The constant pressure to be available and emotionally present for your partner can lead to burnout. Over time, this emotional exhaustion can also make it harder to connect and show affection.
Parallel play is an effective solution to this, and gives both partners the opportunity to recharge. It does not mean distancing yourself from your partner; instead, you’re both physically present but emotionally independent. This “together but apart” dynamic ensures that neither person feels overwhelmed or suffocated while still nurturing the bond between you.
The beauty of this ritual is that the time spent “apart” actually deepens the quality of time spent together. When both partners return to each other from their separate activities, they’re rejuvenated enough to give to the relationship from a place of emotional abundance, rather than lack. This promotes a far more sustainable relationship dynamic than interacting constantly.
It Embraces Silent Connection
A relationship where silence does not feel awkward is powerful. Parallel play allows couples to enjoy each other’s company without the need for constant verbal communication.
Over time, this creates a deeper sense of trust and comfort, as both partners can be content in each other’s presence without feeling the need to perform or entertain. Such silence helps build a space where they feel secure enough to be themselves, even in their most raw and unguarded moments.